‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You’ Is An Exhausting But Darkly Transfixing View of Motherhood

‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You’ Is An Exhausting But Darkly Transfixing View of Motherhood

By Alex McPherson

An aggressively unpleasant experience that traps viewers within its protagonist’s tortured psyche, director Mary Bronstein’s “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” throws us into the void and leaves us to flail. A feverishly commanding performance from Rose Byrne guides us through the pressures of parenthood and a largely uncaring world.

The film focuses on Linda (Byrne), a therapist in Montauk, New York, who is stretched beyond her limits. Her daughter (Delaney Quinn) has a mysterious illness that causes a severe aversion to food and requires a feeding tube apparatus that Linda maintains and monitors every night. Linda’s ungrateful husband, Charles (Christian Slater), who’s in the Navy, is away on a two-month assignment.

It is of course during this time that a leak causes their bedroom ceiling to collapse and flood the house. This gaping hole makes the house unlivable, requiring Linda and her daughter to stay in a seedy motel. It also becomes a metaphorical window into Linda’s traumatic memories

Linda desperately wants doctors to remove her daughter’s feeding tube, but a nurse informs her that her daughter is not meeting her weight requirements, and threatens to “re-evaluate the level of care” that Linda can give her. She’s scolded every day when she double-parks at the daughter’s facility.

Her own patients take a toll (one of them, concerned about motherhood, is clearly on a dark path), and Linda’s own therapist down the hall (a surprisingly intense Conan O’Brien) refuses to take her swirling thoughts seriously. 

The snarky motel clerk (Ivy Wolk) refuses to sell Linda wine late at night, and the curious superintendent (A$AP Rocky) takes a liking to her and wants to strike up a friendship (which Linda immediately refuses). Everything is happening to Linda and she cannot catch a break, as barely-repressed psychological wounds resurface and send her already tenuous illusion of control veering drastically off course.

Catastrophe is around the corner, and Linda — lacking any clear support system — is headed right towards it.

Definitely not all sunshine and rainbows. Through Linda’s perpetually escalating crises, Bronstein explores the crushing psychological weight that Linda faces in every avenue of her life, trapping Linda in a version of Hell that she feels guilty for existing within. Bronstein’s film firmly roots us in Linda’s world, forcing us to view it through her eyes and never providing a sense of catharsis or release. I

t’s an exhausting watch (with an overlong runtime), but its maximalist stylings are viscerally, hauntingly tangible. Byrne’s performance is so strong, and heartbreaking, too, that no matter how intentionally off-putting “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” gets, it’s difficult to look away.

Byrne  inhabits her  character, who makes impulsive, often questionable decisions that leave her paralyzed despite being constantly in motion. Linda is a complicated, emotionally fractured presence who’s on edge from frame one, barely holding on to her sanity as proceedings grow further frenzied.

Byrne’s comedic chops are put to use through Linda’s acerbic wit, yet we can see the damage being wrought upon Linda’s mind as she code-switches from role to role, trying, unsuccessfully, to keep her mounting dread at bay.

Bronstein keeps the chaos level high from start to finish, with cinematographer Christopher Messina (also the DP on Josh and Benny Safdie’s “Good Time”) remaining uncomfortably closed-in on Linda. This lends a palpable, subjective sense of peril to her actions; we’re seeing her struggles through her eyes.

Sound design plays just as big a role here — we never actually see Linda’s daughter’s face. Instead, we hear her nagging demands and meltdowns off-screen like a burdensome creature that requires Linda’s constant attention.

Sequences within Linda’s house have a horror-esque feel, complete with impressively effective jump-scares, disorienting visual effects, and the mocking, ironic jingle that plays whenever Linda’s office door opens. 

Indeed, “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is an alarming cacophony of noise and stress punctuated with bursts of pitch-black humor and sobering poignancy. Parenthood, depression, skewed gender dynamics, isolation, and the pressure that therapists feel are all under Bronstein’s magnifying glass — confronting aspects of motherhood, especially, that aren’t typically portrayed in media, and that people are often too nervous to address. 

The main issue with “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is that it starts at such a high key that there’s little crescendo throughout the 113-minute runtime. The domino effect of issues grows almost comical at times (poor hamster), and, after a while, the film starts to spin its gears and become repetitive — complete with a grueling finale that’s both inevitable and deeply distressing.

Still, Bronstein’s film shines as an acting showcase and a manifestation of pure, no-holds-barred cinematic panic. You might just feel completely drained afterwards.

“If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is a 2025 psychological drama written and directed by Mary Bronstein and starring Rose Byrne, A$AP Rocky, Christian Slater, Delaney Quinn and Conan O’Brien. It’s runtime is 1 hour 53 minutes and it is rated R for for language, some drug use and bloody images. It opened in theatres Oct. 31. Alex’s Grade: B+

Uninspired ‘Blink Twice’ Tackles Abuse of Power By Wealthy Men

Uninspired ‘Blink Twice’ Tackles Abuse of Power By Wealthy Men

By Lynn Venhaus
Neither original nor groundbreaking, “Blink Twice” is a logic-free revenge tale that fails to convince in its twist-filled horror-suspense scenario.

Populated by pretty people playing vapid characters that are woefully underdeveloped, the film’s intent is a good one, but it is so poorly executed that by the time you understand what’s going on, it still leaves gaping holes in any kind of realistic plot.

When tech billionaire Slater King (Channing Tatum) meets catering waitress Frida (Naomi Ackie) at his fundraising gala, sparks fly. He invites her to join him and his friends for a fantasy vacation on his private island.

No worries on not having underwear or toothbrushes, all is provided at this extravagant luxe resort – the women will all be wearing the same white sarongs and swimsuits. And same perfume. Hmmm…

What “King” does or how he made his billions is vague, as are his reasons for stepping away from the business (eluding to a #MeToo incident but no specifics). The film is always light on specifics.

The sketchy, skimpy plot involves some scientific know-how, so is that one of his skills? Don’t ask too many questions, because we’re just supposed to watch, not understand – or be drawn in by any sort of character revelation.

Debut director Zoe Kravitz, who wrote the screenplay with E. T. Feigenbaum, has opted for a trouble-in-paradise story that quickly wears out its welcome. In trying to emulate “Get Out” and “Promising Young Woman,” this mystery-thriller reminds us how very special Jordan Peele and Emerald Fennell’s Oscar-winning original screenplays were (key word ‘original’).

Lacking that game-changing acuity, Kravitz has created a tropical paradise setting a la “White Lotus” – or “The Menu,” with nods to the “Knives Out” franchise. However, it does look beautiful and enticing, and the director, a savvy actress, favors close-ups amply provided by cinematographer Adam Newport-Berry.

It’s 24/7 party people, an endless parade of fun in the sun, where champagne flows non-stop and wild nights involve drug-taking (“with intention”!?!). Until it’s not – like a bad hangover that keeps pounding away. There are nasty-looking snakes slithering around the island – a metaphor, perhaps?

When the reality check takes place – and no spoilers here – the conclusion feels unearned. Head-scratching plot twists abound.

Naomi Ackie, who was terrific as Whitney Houston in the 2022 biopic  “I Wanna Dance with Somebody,” is the sweet but transparently ambitious waitress with stars-in-her-eyes, tantalized by the reckless abandonment she’s a part of, along with best friend Alia Shawkat as Jess (a fine turn).

She befriends the snobby and cynical reality TV star Sarah – feistily played by Adria Arjona – and they become an army in the darkness. (I will say that’s believable, for sisterhoods happen in the strangest places.)

Geena Davis is Slater’s scatterbrained sister Stacy who is always carrying an armful of red giftbags and mumbling things. Hmmm…Her ditzy presence is odd and unexplained, as is Kyle MacLachlan as Slater’s therapist. He has an air of mystery – and deviousness – but that’s not explored either.

The male cast plays mostly characters who work for Slater. There’s the tech whiz kid Lucas, portrayed by Levon Hawke (son of Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman, brother to actress Maya); Simon Rex embodies chef Cody who takes great delight in preparing Michelin-starred restaurant cuisine for the guests; Haley Joel Osment is a nondescript Tom, a pleasant-enough go-along; and Christian Slater is Vic, not really sure of his status but he seems like a right-hand man.

Things don’t add up, tables turn, things fall apart. End of story. Or is it? So much is crammed into the final third act that it’s dizzying – and ludicrous — in its so-called resolutions, but they don’t wrap up plot points raised or add any more reasoning to characters that are hard to accept, let alone connect to in any way. Hedonism is not enough of a reason to watch.

Cue the “Twilight Zone” theme song. Again, reminding us of much better movies and social satires aimed at the ruling class and their conspicuous entitlement, not to mention casual disregard to treat people as human beings.

“Blink Twice” is all surface glamour turned grisly, a stunning picture-postcard of a film that is ultimately unsatisfying if you are looking for more than girls gone wild, and kicks gone wrong.

“Blink Twice” is a 2024 horror-mystery-thriller directed by Zoe Kravitz and starring Channing Tatum, Naomi Ackie, Alia Shawkat, Christian Slater, Haley Joel Osment, Simon Rex, Geena Davis, Adria Arjoni, and Levon Hawke. It is 1 hour, 42 minutes and rated R for strong violent content, sexual assault, drug use and language throughout. It opens in theaters Aug. 23. Lynn’s Grade: D+.